


Guilty Loving You

by Mickey_99



Series: Haikyuu Soulmates AU [20]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Apologies, Guilt, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24921196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickey_99/pseuds/Mickey_99
Summary: Kindaichi's feeling during the events before and after the story.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira
Series: Haikyuu Soulmates AU [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736596
Comments: 16
Kudos: 156





	Guilty Loving You

**Author's Note:**

> Every time I post these I think "Wow I suck... I should fucking give up writing" but then you guys freaking love them and I continue because you guys are amazing with your comments

If there was one way to describe how Kindaichi had felt when he found out what had been happening to Kunimi, it would be guilt. Guilt because Kindaichi should have been there. Kindaichi had known Kunimi during most of the time this shit had been happening to him. Kindaichi had been right there. How had Kindaichi not noticed? How had he not seen a single damn thing? Looking back now the signs had all been there. The aversion to touch. The constant jumping at sudden actions and noises. The fatigue. It had all been there, minimal as it might have been, it was there. But hindsight is 20/20 and looking back and wishing he had done something wouldn’t change anything. None of that made him feel any less guilty.

Kunimi didn’t truly open up to him until after the meeting. That was when Kunimi finally told Kindaichi everything.

“I was drugged,” Kunimi says quietly. They were sitting more relaxed than they had in days because the news of Hinata waking up came not even two hours ago,” And I was… raped… But it was done by women. I know it sounds stupid… I mean I don’t even find women attractive, but it isn’t hard for teenage boys to get a hard on. And my mom was drugging me with stuff to ensure I did get one… But I mean just because I had one doesn’t mean I wanted it.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” Kindaichi says looking at his shoes. His knees pulled up to his chest,” I already know what rape is Kunimi. Doesn’t matter if it was a man or a woman, if you didn’t want it or consent to it fully it counts as rape.”

“I figured you knew,” Kunimi says staring at his mug of tea on the table.

“Then why tell me?” Kindaichi asks finally looking at his soulmate.

“Maybe I was trying to tell myself,” Kunimi says,” After my mom disappeared my father came along. He was meaner. He made me do the same thing my mom did. And of course, they continued to take pictures of me. But in my second year right before my dad took off, he… raped me. I got hard. I fucking got hard.”

“Yeah well I got hard looking at a tree once so don’t think getting hard actually means that much all the time,” Kindaichi says. “It’s a thing that happens even when we don’t want it to. Remember the one time it happened in class and I was super embarrassed and had to hide it with a book.”

“We were talking about childbirth,” Kunimi says smirking,” That was traumatizing, and I still don’t know how you got hard during that.”

“I didn’t even mean to,” Kindaichi says annoyed,” It just happened. I wasn’t even attracted to anything in that moment. I think I got so bored my body was literally begging me to do something other than sit there.”

It was silent for a moment and so Kindaichi takes a sip of his tea.

“Kageyama is my half brother you know,” Kunimi says. Kindaichi chokes on his tea. “We share the same father. But our father was much worse with him. I wish I had known back when it was happening. Both him and I were being fucked over at home. Kageyama’s mom was the leader of this entire thing. We all started calling ourselves the fucked-up siblings.”

“Kageyama was being raped?” Kindaichi asks his eyes going wide,” Back in middle school?”

“Yeah,” Kunimi says sadly,” Trust me, I know.”

Suddenly that guilt that Kindaichi had intensified. He had abandoned Kageyama back in middle school. If he had just been a little more vigilant. But Kindaichi hadn’t been. And the brother ship had been broken for so long. Things still weren’t back to how they used to be.

“His aversion to touch,” Kindaichi says sadly,” Goddamnit. Why is it so hard to see the signs when its actually happening?”

Kindaichi hadn’t gotten a response, because there really wasn’t just one reason. It had been a multitude of reasons. It was the fact that he was young and didn’t know the signs. It was the fact that he was self- absorbed with his own issues and problems at that time. It was the fact that he let his anger get in the way of a really good friendship.

It wasn’t until after the trials that Kindaichi got to see Kageyama long enough for them to talk privately. Kindaichi had been on his morning jog when suddenly someone fell into step beside him. Kindaichi looks over to see none other than Kageyama. Kindaichi wasn’t particularly surprised, this park was right near the place Kageyama lived with Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

“Mind if I join you?” Kageyama asks,” If I have a running partner, Oikawa won’t be as mad about me taking off without letting him know where I am going.”

Kindaichi snorts,” What is he? Your mom?”

There is a small flinch at the mention of ‘mom’, and Kindaichi mentally beats his own ass,” Sorry,” Kindaichi says,” That was a stupid comment.”

“No,” Kageyama says,” Normally I don’t even think of her as my mother. I usually picture Hinata-san. Afterall she has been more of a mom to me than anyone else. The trials were just a constant reminder that that woman is the one who birthed me.”

Kindaichi nods in understanding. The two jog around a group of kids huddled on the path before getting back onto the paved walkway. “That’s understandable,” Kindaichi says,” It seems Oikawa is mothering you more than Hinata-san right now though.”

Kindaichi almost laughs at the face Kageyama makes. “Yeah,” Kageyama says annoyed,” I don’t blame him though. I haven’t been in my best mental state as of late. Ever since I dug into everything, I can’t seem to… you know… be intimate… with them. I can at least sleep in the same room… but I can’t do much more than hand holding right now. It’s a huge step back and its been making me feel hopeless.”

Kindaichi stops jogging and so does Kageyama. “What’s the big deal?” Kindaichi says, and maybe its ignorant,” You don’t have to have sex with someone to be in love… Sorry if that sounds rude.”

“No,” Kageyama says,” It’s not. I can see how it might not make a lot of sense. But for us… our entire childhood was taken from us. It isn’t even till now, when we are all nearing adulthood, that we can all finally stop looking over our shoulder. But yet still, the fact that we can’t be intimate with our soulmates, they still have a hold on us. And the sad part is, they aren’t even touching us now. Being intimate with our soulmates… That’s like the final battle that needs to be won. And it really seems like the hardest one if I am being honest.”

“Does Kunimi feel this way?” Kindaichi asks quietly. Kindaichi feels guilty that he hadn’t thought about it in that way.

“Maybe,” Kageyama says,” But really, you are the only one who can truly help him with that. And if he decides he doesn’t want sex, don’t make him.”

“Of course, I won’t make him,” Kindaichi says annoyed.

“I know,” Kageyama says patting Kindaichi’s shoulder.

Kindaichi pauses and looks at Kageyama for a moment,” You’ve changed… matured.”

Kageyama smirks,” I guess talking to stupid-ass lawyers and going through a shitshow will do that to you.”

Kindaichi laughs. And then there is a moment of silence.

“Hey… I am sorry I was a shitty friend… I should have been there for you and Akira. But I wasn’t, and I regret nothing more.” Kindaichi says looking away from Kageyama.

“I was a pretty shitty friend as well,” Kageyama says,” I honestly wish I had opened up years ago. Maybe then- “

“You shouldn’t blame yourself,” Kindaichi says,” Now I am done with this mushy crap. Lets go for a run and then you can set me some king tosses.”

Kageyama’s eyes go wide,” But I thought- “

“I can do anything that stupid little shrimp can,” Kindaichi says smiling,” I may not hit them all, but I will hit at least one.”

Kageyama snorts and the two continue their run. True to his word Kindaichi hits one of Kageyama’s sets, but Kindaichi is pretty sure the boy made it easier for him.

Kindaichi does talk to Kunimi about intimacy like Kageyama had suggested.

“I will tell you when I am ready,” Kunimi said smiling gently,” It’s a mental thing for me. I’ll get there, just give me time.”

Kindaichi had nodded in understanding.

Kindaichi’s conversation with Kageyama had eased the guilt the spiker had felt for leaving his best friend like he had. His conversation with Kunimi had not. Kindaichi didn’t think he would ever get over the guilt he felt for not helping his soulmate sooner. The feeling sat heavy in his chest and concerned the hell out of Kunimi. It was three months later that finally Kunimi had enough.

“Alright,” Kunimi says jokingly one night,” The feeling of guilt is palpable not only over our bond but in the room. What did you break?”

Despite the feeling hanging on his chest Kindaichi laughs. “Nothing I promise,” Kindaichi says smiling before laying a kiss on top of Kunimi’s head. Kunimi tensed slightly and Kindaichi jerked away. Immediately the guilt grew stronger.

“Oh.” Kunimi says reading the situation,” I think I see the problem… Do you really blame yourself Kindaichi?”

“How could I not?” Kindaichi asks sadly,” We are soulmates. We are meant to protect each other. You have never once failed me, but I feel like I failed you so much.”

“You didn’t know.”

“But I should have,” Kindaichi says sadly,” Every time I look back it seems like it was more and more obvious, but I did nothing.”

“There was nothing you could have done.”

“There is always something you can do!” Kindaichi yells. Kunimi jumps slightly. “Maybe in your position there was nothing. But from where I was there had to have been something. And… I wish I had seen it sooner. I love you so much Akira. I have never been super confident in any skill or ability I have, but you always have been there right behind me. I just want to be there for you too.”

Kindaichi is silenced from saying more by Kunimi’s lips meeting his. Hands grab his and then place them onto Kunimi’s waist.

Kindaichi allows Kunimi to take the lead, he was smart enough to know he should do that.

The night evolved into something far past kissing. It was something Kindaichi didn’t expect to happen, but it did.

“Stop feeling guilty,” Kunimi says sleepily,” The fact is you are here now. Let’s not waste the second chance we all get at happiness when it comes by being stuck on things in the past.”

Kunimi fell asleep before Kindaichi, but Kindaichi followed not long after with the heavy feeling on his chest gone.

Kindaichi became the fourth one to propose out of their entire group. It was a simple proposal really. Kageyama had helped bake Kunimi cupcakes and they had hidden the ring inside the treat. Kunimi had been surprised when he bit a diamond.

When Kunimi saw what it really was his eyes lit up in happiness and a huge smile graced his face. In that moment Kindaichi felt a tiny bit guilty.

Guilty that he was the one claiming this absolute treasure from the world. Guilty that he was the one who ended up with this beauty. Guilty that no one else would ever see Kunimi the way Kindaichi did.

But Kindaichi was 100% ready to live with that guilt.

“Akira, will you marry me?”

“Yes!”

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